When the Ex Reaches Out: Navigating the Landmines in our Hearts


What do you do when out of the blue the ex reaches out?  Bridget Fonger, author of Superhero of Love: Heal Your Broken Heart & Then Go Save the World has 7 great questions to ask yourself if this happens to you.  

The phone rings.  It’s your ex.  In one nanosecond you run through all the possible emotional outcomes of picking up that phone.  It could make you feel worse, it might give you hope. It could bring you closer to closure, but it could also send you into a downward spiral of hopes unfulfilled. You don’t know.

Second ring.

You run through all the potential reasons your ex could be calling.  You imagine all their potential emotional states.  Are they pining for you, wanting you back?  Are they angry, or sad, or too needy for your reserves at this moment?

Third ring.  What. Do. You. Do?

No matter how long it has been since your break-up, no two people heal after a relationship at the exact same rate.  Expecting that you will both be on the same page will only set you up for disappointment. Depending on who initiated the break-up, the break-up lines may be strong and clear for one of you and tenuous for the other. 

Walking through this post-relationship terrain can feel like you are dodging landmines in the fog.   

Can I step over here without blowing up?  If I pick up that phone will I fall back into the dark abyss? 

Imagine your heart is like a kitten or a puppy that you are carrying through that foggy field of potential landmines.  You need to tenderly hold it yet firmly protect it, and you can’t waiver in your attention because it might very well crawl out of your grasp and run into danger. 

Our hearts want to leap toward the hope of love, even if that hope is fleeting and unrealistic.  Our hearts are easily distracted by shiny objects, like an ex’s promise of love renewed.  And our hearts will react just like frightened kittens if they feel threatened or out of control.

So, how do you take care of that innocent heart? 

First, I am handing you your power right now: you get to decide what feels right for you and your tender heart.  Only you know what is right for your heart.  After all, you are the only one with it 24/7.  No one can know its inner machinations better.

Second, the more you know your own heart the easier it will be to ask for what you need and create clear boundaries for yourself and your ex. 

So, how do you get to know your heart and understand its needs?

I suggest a brainstorming session between you and that little heart of yours.  I propose that you sit down in a quiet spot with either a pen and paper or a computer – whichever feels more comfortable to put feelings into thoughts, those thoughts into words and then onto paper – and ask your heart — these questions:

  1. What have you not gotten a chance to say and wish you could say to your ex?
  2. What do you need to say to your ex to feel more “complete” with this relationship?
  3. What feels unsafe right now?
  4. What would make you feel more safe?
  5. What do you need to move toward happiness?
  6. What can I do to make you feel nurtured every day?
  7. What is something unrelated to love that I could turn my attention toward that would my heart sing? (Example: Have you always wanted to learn how to fly a plane or run a marathon? Did you sing in high school and have you always wanted to return to it and see how good you could be?)

For #1 and #2, you can consider if you want to communicate any of this to your ex either in person or in a letter.  You may never need to say any of it.  It might help to write a complete letter that you never send.  Sometimes just expressing it onto paper helps you flush through why you needed to say it and will bring you peace.

For #3 and #4, feeling safe as you get your bearings in your new normal is important. Katherine Woodward Thomas speaks in her book Conscious Uncoupling about that time right after a break-up where our sense of safety gets jostled around.  To take care of your heart, you want to make sure it’s feeling safe in its new post-breakup world.

For #5, #6 and #7, let your heart leap into the possibility of feeling nurtured and happy.  Let yourself imagine yourself in your most exalted state, your heart singing.  Sometimes after a break-up we can’t imagine loving life again, but you can have a life that you love no matter what your relationship status.

While the terrain feels like it is riddled with potential emotional, having these little brainstorming sessions with your heart can only be a good thing.  Frankly, it’s never a bad idea.  So if you start making a habit of it, and you see that it makes you feel better when you do it, my wish for you is that you make it a lifelong habit, no matter what your relationship status. 

It’s a practice knowing our hearts. We bump up against other hearts all day long, but in intimate relationships we bump up against the pieces of our hearts that could use some loving, healing attention.  The more you know your own heart before you get back into a relationship the more you will be able to love and be loved in a healthy happy way. 

Bridget Fonger is a longtime health, lifestyle, and relationship writer, having authored a regular column for Huffington Post and blogs at superherooflove.blogspot.com. Fonger currently serves as a contributor for Thrive Global and Quora, and hosts a podcast entitled Superhero of Love Podcast.

She is author of Superhero of Love: Heal Your Broken Heart & Then Go Save the World (January 2019). 

Learn more about Fonger at www.superherooflove.com, and check out her inspirational series of talks, Love Forward Talks.

Superhero of Love is now on AmazonBarnes & Noble, and bookstores nationwide upon request

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